I had heard a great deal about how bad this movie was, from critics and friends alike, so I was prepared for a real stinker. I was actually surprised to find it’s not the worst movie ever.
The film starts out simply enough—a young man (inexplicably named Jeep and played by Lucas Black, the main character from the short-lived American Gothic series--remember the "Someone's at the door" girl?) and woman talk about her pregnancy. She is eight months along, alone, and nervous. He is obviously in love with her and wants a family, but she is either oblivious or not interested. As the day wears on, the two are busy at a roadside diner in the middle of the desert. The diner is operated by the young man’s father (played by Dennis Quaid) and the afternoon finds him responsible for repairing a BMW for a stranded yuppie family—mom, dad, and somewhat-spoiled daughter.
The day seems uneventful until a lovely old woman comes in and orders a rare steak. She asks about the young woman’s baby and tells her that all babies will burn in hell. She then proceeds to develop needle-sharp teeth, bite the yuppie husband on the neck, and crawl across the ceiling. Luckily, a bypassing black man pulls out his gun and kills granny.
The injured man’s wife tries to find help, but ends up driving into a huge swarm of insects. Thankfully a police car pulls up, but our band of diner staff and patrons find that the man driving is not a cop. However, he is heavily armed and warns that “they” are coming. It turns out that the man is the Archangel Michael and he has come to protect humanity. Apparently God has given up on us and is sending his angels to destroy the only possible salvation, the young woman’s unborn baby. But Michael still believes in the goodness of people and helps fight off the masses who have become possessed by angels and attack the diner. Many people are lost, but in the end the right people win and the human race survives.
As you can see, there are a few issues here. The first is why on earth God would exterminate humanity in such a haphazard way. Why not just send another flood or plague or something? Why not just cause the savior fetus to spontaneously abort? And how does an all-knowing God not know what he wants? Michael argues with Gabriel, claiming that by doing God’s will Gabriel is giving Him what He wants. By disobeying him, Michael is giving him what he needs. Turns out, Michael was right. So now does God go back to everyone who was killed and say, “sorry, my bad”? And since WHEN do angels possess people and cause them to look all evil?
This is only a portion of the theological issues in the film. There are also some stereotypical characters (the spoiled teen, the black man who is estranged from his son and is carrying a gun and will die first, the yuppie mom who can’t cope), which seem more well-rounded than the “heroes” who seem horribly flat and uninteresting. There is a good amount of CGI in the movie and it’s not as good as it could be.
However, this is not to say Legion is a complete waste of time. If you can turn off your brain and stop noticing all the little things discussed above, it’s not bad. The action is fun and there are some nice moments (such as when Michael is instructing everyone in weapons usage and he tells them to watch the kick on the shotgun because it will take off your hand, and everyone looks at the one-handed cook). The idea that an angel’s wings (which are black instead of white) are bulletproof is an interesting touch, and the scene with Michael and Gabriel in Heaven is rather pretty. Yes, they could have (and should have) done a lot more with the film, but what we got was the slightly brain-damaged offspring of Terminator and Dogma. All in all, this would be a good summer popcorn movie when it’s too hot outside to do anything else.
Rating: ★★½
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