Legion (2010)

I had heard a great deal about how bad this movie was, from critics and friends alike, so I was prepared for a real stinker.  I was actually surprised to find it’s not the worst movie ever.

The film starts out simply enough—a young man (inexplicably named Jeep and played by Lucas Black, the main character from the short-lived American Gothic series--remember the "Someone's at the door" girl?) and woman talk about her pregnancy.  She is eight months along, alone, and nervous.  He is obviously in love with her and wants a family, but she is either oblivious or not interested. As the day wears on, the two are busy at a roadside diner in the middle of the desert.  The diner is operated by the young man’s father (played by Dennis Quaid) and the afternoon finds him responsible for repairing a BMW for a stranded yuppie family—mom, dad, and somewhat-spoiled daughter.

The day seems uneventful until a lovely old woman comes in and orders a rare steak.  She asks about the young woman’s baby and tells her that all babies will burn in hell.  She then proceeds to develop needle-sharp teeth, bite the yuppie husband on the neck, and crawl across the ceiling.  Luckily, a bypassing black man pulls out his gun and kills granny.

The injured man’s wife tries to find help, but ends up driving into a huge swarm of insects.  Thankfully a police car pulls up, but our band of diner staff and patrons find that the man driving is not a cop.  However, he is heavily armed and warns that “they” are coming.  It turns out that the man is the Archangel Michael and he has come to protect humanity.  Apparently God has given up on us and is sending his angels to destroy the only possible salvation, the young woman’s unborn baby.  But Michael still believes in the goodness of people and helps fight off the masses who have become possessed by angels and attack the diner.    Many people are lost, but in the end the right people win and the human race survives.

As you can see, there are a few issues here.  The first is why on earth God would exterminate humanity in such a haphazard way.  Why not just send another flood or plague or something?  Why not just cause the savior fetus to spontaneously abort?  And how does an all-knowing God not know what he wants?  Michael argues with Gabriel, claiming that by doing God’s will Gabriel is giving Him what He wants.  By disobeying him, Michael is giving him what he needs. Turns out, Michael was right.  So now does God go back to everyone who was killed and say, “sorry, my bad”?  And since WHEN do angels possess people and cause them to look all evil?

This is only a portion of the theological issues in the film.  There are also some stereotypical characters (the spoiled teen, the black man who is estranged from his son and is carrying a gun and will die first, the yuppie mom who can’t cope), which seem more well-rounded than the “heroes” who seem horribly flat and uninteresting.  There is a good amount of CGI in the movie and it’s not as good as it could be.

However, this is not to say Legion is a complete waste of time.  If you can turn off your brain and stop noticing all the little things discussed above, it’s not bad.  The action is fun and there are some nice moments (such as when Michael is instructing everyone in weapons usage and he tells them to watch the kick on the shotgun because it will take off your hand, and everyone looks at the one-handed cook).  The idea that an angel’s wings (which are black instead of white) are bulletproof is an interesting touch, and the scene with Michael and Gabriel in Heaven is rather pretty.  Yes, they could have (and should have) done a lot more with the film, but what we got was the slightly brain-damaged offspring of Terminator and Dogma.  All in all, this would be a good summer popcorn movie when it’s too hot outside to do anything else.

Rating: ★★½

Cinema Smackdown: Shutter (2004) vs Shutter (2008)

Shutter is a Thai film released in 2004 and remade in 2008 with a US cast.  The story is almost exactly the same in both films: a young man and his girlfriend (Thai version)/new wife (US version) are driving along a dark, lonely road.  Jane (the name is the same in both versions) is behind the wheel and is chatting with Tun/Ben.  She turns back to the road to find a young woman in the road and the car hits her.  The next day, the couple can find no record of an accident victim on that road, but Jane's guild and remorse remain.

Tun/Ben, a professional photographer, soon finds that every picture he takes is ruined: hazy smudges appear in each frame.  There is nothing wrong with the camera and the film stock is not faulty.  Jane begins to suspect that the smudge is actually the ghost of the young woman who was hit that dark night.  Tun/Ben seems less convinced and refuses to admit anything otherworldly, even when his old friends begin to die.  After some investigating, Jane finds a name to fit the description of the mysterious woman and presses Tun/Ben until he admits that they used to date.  He claims she left the city suddenly and he has no idea why.

The couple decide to visit the woman's village and find that she has been dead for some time.  They assume that having her cremated will let her soul rest in peace but Tun/Ben quickly learns that is not the case.  Jane, with the help of the woman's spirit, discovers the truth behind the relationship with the woman, Tun/Ben, and his friends.

The differences between the two films are night and day.  The Thai film concerns a young couple going about their daily lives.  The US version shows a newlywed couple who has relocated to Tokyo, where Ben used to work but Jane has never visited (and does not speak the language).  The ruined photos for Tun are from a graduation, Ben's are from a professional shoot complete with high-fashion models.  The US version shows Jane finding the woman's identity from a photo in a rather mundane-looking office, while the Thai Jane finds the photo in a specimen lab, surrounded by jars of preserved animals.  And the blonde American seems far to ready to give into hysterics where the Thai woman prefers to quietly observe.

The biggest differences between the films are pacing and filmography.  The Thai version unfolds slowly, quietly, almost sneaking up on the viewer.  The US version stumbles in like, well, like a half-drunk American at a Japanese tea ceremony.  The scares seem to be spaced out to keep the audience's interest instead of actually serving the narrative.  The special effects are gory and seem a little out of place, while in the original they are eerie and disturbing.  The original ghost shows her face to the camera but the US's ghost seems to always have her stringy hair in her eyes.

The filmography in the original is interesting as the director plays with odd camera placement and angles.  The remake feels more like a made-for-TV movie with boring cinematography.  The overall feel of the US version feels like nothing more than a knee-jerk attempt to cash in on another Asian horror hit.  Why American's are unable to appreciate Asian films and require remakes with white people in the lead roles is beyond me.

2004 version: ★★★★

2008 version:  ★★

Winner: Original

Madhouse (1974)

This bit of fun from American International Pictures features Vincent Price as (what else?) and aging horror film star looking to trade in on his notoriety, only to be literally chased down by his past.

In the 1960s, Paul Toombes (Price) is the cat's pajamas in his Dr. Death film series.  He's holding a party to celebrate his latest installment with his partner, writer Herbert Flay (the always-understated Peter Cushing).  He's also there to announce his engagement to a young beautiful starlet who seems fully devoted to him.  But he quickly meets her former director Oliver (Robert Quarry) and finds out her career started in less-than-legitimate style.  Toombes, convinced that she too is "on the make" retires to his room.  When his fiancee is found dead with his Dr. Death gloves next to her, he is committed to an asylum.

Settling in, the film brings us up to "modern" day (1974).  Toombes is a free man and is traveling to London to meet his friend Herbert.  Apparently Herbert and now-legit director Oliver want to create a television series based on Dr. Death.  Toombes is not excited about dragging up that bit of his past but Herbert needs the money, so his friend is happy to oblige.

What follows is a rather predictable film--people continue to die at the hands of Dr. Death, who may or may not be Toombes.  A young woman follows the actor hoping for a breakout role, and a couple attempt to blackmail him for £10,000.  Numerous clips of former Dr. Death films are shown and near the end Toombes is pursued by the murderous Dr. Death himself.  The revelation of the real murderer is no surprise to anyone who has paid the lest bit of attention.

But it's not the plot that makes this movie so fun.  It's more of a love note to horror fans and their icons.  To begin with, all the supposed Dr. Death films are former AIP movies of Price (makes sense--since the company produced them they don't have to pay for the rights).  There are scenes from The Raven, Trilogy of Terror, House of Usher, and even The Pit and the Pendulum, all fantastic (except one--I didn't care for The Raven) adaptations of Edgar Allan Poe works.

There are also less-overt references to other films.  At a costume party, Cushing appears dressed as Dracula, a nod to all his Horror films where he played Van Helsing.  At the same party Quarry is dressed as a vampire--in fact, he is wearing his same costume from Count Yorga, Vampire (1970).  Each murder is proceeded by a view of somebody putting on the black Dr. Death gloves, a direct reference to the Italian giallo films that were popular at the time (if you're not familiar with the conventions of giallo, it seems as if half the runtime of each film is full of someone putting on or taking off gloves.  I think the giallo movement must have sustained the entire Italian glove industry for many years).  One woman is murdered and hung from her hair--eerie echos of Boris Karloff's preferred method of displaying Bela Lugosi's dead wife in The Black Cat (1934).  And old castmate of Toombes named Faye shows up in Herbert's basement looking like the lost third sister from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) and acting like a refugee from the vastly underrated Spider Baby (1968).  A melting body looks more like a melting wax figure from Price's breakout horror performance in House of Wax (1953).

There are no raving fans for Toombes here; in fact, we only see one woman who politely asks for his autograph.  But a few minutes later he is confronted by Dr. Death himself.  The image of Price being chased by his own murderous creation speaks volumes.  For actors of Price and Cushing's stature, they must often feel that they are pursued by their characters, never able to just be a regular Joe. In fact, Toombes explains that he and Herbert did not so much create Dr. Death as find him, as if he was something external to the actor and writer.

Toombes is often shown watching his own films.  He looks uncomfortable, as if he really dose not relish his history.  On a talk show he is asked why people like horror and he replies that everybody has horrible instincts inside.  These instincts are usually kept caged up, but sometimes between sleep and waking they try to escape.  Horror films are a way of letting those urges escape, even if for a limited time.

But in case anyone has taken the film too seriously, it ends with Faye and Toombes sitting down to dinner.  He asks what she made, and she replies it is his favorite dish--sour cream and red herrings!

For the casual viewer, this may not be an entertaining way to spend the day.  But for someone with a knowledge of horror films from Universal to AIP, or a die-hard Price fan who can identify his singing voice, this is a fun way to spend 90 minutes.

Rating: ★★★

Rating system

Just so you know, the ratings are out of five stars.

All Souls Day (2005)

Wow--Danny Trejo and Jeffrey Combs in the same movie!  How bad can it be?

Pretty bad. 

To begin with, Danny is only in the first five minutes of the film, looking very uncomfortable in an ill-fitting vest.  He berates a man for stealing from a newly-uncovered Aztec tomb.  I did not know the Aztecs used gold-colored tinfoil for their jewelry.  Given the choice to kill himself or be hung with his wife and son, the man shoots himself.  Then Danny, who always plays a nice guy, invites the entire town into the tomb to celebrate, since they have all decided to share the profits (because apparently gold tinfoil commands a pretty peso on the international market).  And surely Danny wouldn't double cross anybody!

Some time later, Jeffery drives into the picture with his lovely 50s-era family, Hawaiian shirt and all.  The two kids, a boy who just came out of the hospital after beating Polo (although in leg braces) and a luscious teen daughter who promptly takes a bath.  Sorry guys, just a little side boob action.  When she comes out of the bathroom, she sees her brother reading her diary.  But oh no!  It's not little brother, it's some other kid with Dia de los Muertos makeup!  She runs to her parents' room but something strange is happening...  We assume they are killed or something.

Fifty-something years later, a young couple pulls into town to find gas.  See, they are on their way to the girl's parents' ranch, which they just bought and that's why she's not really sure where she's going.  Her boyfriend is driving and plows right into a funeral procession.  Oh snap--the "corpse" is still alive!  And her tongue has been cut out!

Boyfriend runs off to find the law, who happens to be a white guy.  The sheriff takes the victim for medical help and the couple realize their car is totaled (because the boyfriend drove right into a pole after swerving to avoid the funeral) and there's no repair shop in town.  Gosh, better check into this hotel.  The same hotel Mr. Combs et al stayed in earlier.

First the woman in the hotel tells them there are no rooms, then changes her mind.  She gives the couple a bottle of wine and they proceed to get drunk and make love.  But not before they call some friends in Cali to come pick them up.  The girl feels something strange in the hotel and wants to leave, maybe because she saw a little boy in the mirror then turned to find NOBODY THERE!

Meanwhile, good old Sheriff Blanco (ha ha, he's a white guy) locks up the tongueless girl and tells her it's too bad the funeral was interrupted.  She doesn't answer.  Cat got her tongue?  No, the sheriff does!  Sheriff heads out to find the townspeople so they can continue the sacrifice.

As our happy couple is sitting down to dinner, Token Black Guy and Token Blondie show up to rescue them.  Boyfriend heads to check with the sheriff about something or other, and the other three eat some bread and pass out.  Oh no!  The tongueless girl has killed herself and now girlfriend is gone.  Looks like the sheriff, who just so happens to have a limp, abducted her for sacrifice because "only a Mexican girl will work."  She is saved and some ridiculous-looking zombies show up for the sheriff, including his mother (get it?  He's Polio boy!).

Our four Americans barricade themselves in the hotel from the advancing horde of zombies.  Who are they?  What do they want?  Why does the film not encourage us to ask these questions?

Some of the characters we've come to know and despise are killed and nobody is bothered.  It's only in the last 15 minutes that the film gets interesting again, filling us in on the whole story of the zombies and the Aztec tomb.  Danny Trejo shows up again, then the happy Americans drive off into the sunrise.

If you must watch this film, watch until the modern couple drives into town.  Then fast-forward to the flashback.  It'll maybe set you back 20-25 minutes and will be far more interesting than watching the whole thing.

On the plus side, the production value isn't bad and the makeup was handled by Almost Human, an effects team who has worked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the series) and the excellent but underrated film Dead Birds.  Although the makeup is good, there's not much detail or individuality to the zombies (as opposed to those in Romero's films).  But ultimately the ridiculous script and only marginally competent actors make this a film that should have been left in the Aztec tomb.

Rating: ★