Pretty bad.
To begin with, Danny is only in the first five minutes of the film, looking very uncomfortable in an ill-fitting vest. He berates a man for stealing from a newly-uncovered Aztec tomb. I did not know the Aztecs used gold-colored tinfoil for their jewelry. Given the choice to kill himself or be hung with his wife and son, the man shoots himself. Then Danny, who always plays a nice guy, invites the entire town into the tomb to celebrate, since they have all decided to share the profits (because apparently gold tinfoil commands a pretty peso on the international market). And surely Danny wouldn't double cross anybody!
Some time later, Jeffery drives into the picture with his lovely 50s-era family, Hawaiian shirt and all. The two kids, a boy who just came out of the hospital after beating Polo (although in leg braces) and a luscious teen daughter who promptly takes a bath. Sorry guys, just a little side boob action. When she comes out of the bathroom, she sees her brother reading her diary. But oh no! It's not little brother, it's some other kid with Dia de los Muertos makeup! She runs to her parents' room but something strange is happening... We assume they are killed or something.
Fifty-something years later, a young couple pulls into town to find gas. See, they are on their way to the girl's parents' ranch, which they just bought and that's why she's not really sure where she's going. Her boyfriend is driving and plows right into a funeral procession. Oh snap--the "corpse" is still alive! And her tongue has been cut out!
Boyfriend runs off to find the law, who happens to be a white guy. The sheriff takes the victim for medical help and the couple realize their car is totaled (because the boyfriend drove right into a pole after swerving to avoid the funeral) and there's no repair shop in town. Gosh, better check into this hotel. The same hotel Mr. Combs et al stayed in earlier.
First the woman in the hotel tells them there are no rooms, then changes her mind. She gives the couple a bottle of wine and they proceed to get drunk and make love. But not before they call some friends in Cali to come pick them up. The girl feels something strange in the hotel and wants to leave, maybe because she saw a little boy in the mirror then turned to find NOBODY THERE!
Meanwhile, good old Sheriff Blanco (ha ha, he's a white guy) locks up the tongueless girl and tells her it's too bad the funeral was interrupted. She doesn't answer. Cat got her tongue? No, the sheriff does! Sheriff heads out to find the townspeople so they can continue the sacrifice.
As our happy couple is sitting down to dinner, Token Black Guy and Token Blondie show up to rescue them. Boyfriend heads to check with the sheriff about something or other, and the other three eat some bread and pass out. Oh no! The tongueless girl has killed herself and now girlfriend is gone. Looks like the sheriff, who just so happens to have a limp, abducted her for sacrifice because "only a Mexican girl will work." She is saved and some ridiculous-looking zombies show up for the sheriff, including his mother (get it? He's Polio boy!).
Our four Americans barricade themselves in the hotel from the advancing horde of zombies. Who are they? What do they want? Why does the film not encourage us to ask these questions?
Some of the characters we've come to know and despise are killed and nobody is bothered. It's only in the last 15 minutes that the film gets interesting again, filling us in on the whole story of the zombies and the Aztec tomb. Danny Trejo shows up again, then the happy Americans drive off into the sunrise.
If you must watch this film, watch until the modern couple drives into town. Then fast-forward to the flashback. It'll maybe set you back 20-25 minutes and will be far more interesting than watching the whole thing.
On the plus side, the production value isn't bad and the makeup was handled by Almost Human, an effects team who has worked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the series) and the excellent but underrated film Dead Birds. Although the makeup is good, there's not much detail or individuality to the zombies (as opposed to those in Romero's films). But ultimately the ridiculous script and only marginally competent actors make this a film that should have been left in the Aztec tomb.
Rating: ★
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